Do you know what its like to stand amongst people, staring at them as they go about their daily lives. Friends joking and laughing, couples holding hands. Inpacting on each others lives. Changing and shapping their future every second. The couple, if one didnt turn up it would efffect the whole night. The friends, if one didnt turn up the friends would miss them. Do you know how it feels to wonder if people see you the same way. Would they miss you if you were not there? Would their whole night change because you didn’t go? Do you have any impact on the people around you and their lives?
Its a thought that always crosses my mind. If i wasn’t their would anything change, do i add anything to their lives. Or am i just a space filler. Am i just tolerated becsuse its the nice thing to do or because were related and you feel a sense of obligation. Do i matter.
So it has been sometime since my last post. I wish I could say that it was due to me being better, and maybe in a way I am, but it’s not. Written has always been a way to express my emotions. To allow them to be felt and expressed. But for the last few months I have been unwilling to let my emotions in. The last month and a half saw the 1 year anniversary of my brothers passing from suicide. The first Christmas and new year with out my pop. And the realisation that my life is absolute shit. I am a broken man. I have all these demons inside and the only way I have found to deal with them is to keep them locked up. But to do this I have stopped caring about anything. And while I haven’t fallen back into the deeper levels of my depression I feel that I am still trending water in that dark abyss. By not thinking about things I do not worry about them. At least till I think about what that causes. It’s the only way I have found to survive.
In the 24 short years I have been alive I have had three family members pass away. Not the great aunt or 3rd cousin twice removed kind of family but the dad, half brother, grandfather kind of family.
When I was 7 my dad passed away at the age of 35 from a stroke that basically destroyed has brain, or as I was told by a very friendly doctor, even if he woke from the coma he was in, he probably wouldn’t remember me or anyone, a vegetable is the term I think people generally use. When my dad died my life ended, the depression started and grew as time went on.
When I was 23 my half brother passed away at the age of 21 from suicide, was told at night after having just finished work, broke down walking home from work.
3 days before my 24 birthday and only 5/6 months after my half brother’s death, my grandfather passed away from ‘cancer’ (it was undiagnosed but the doctors were pretty certain that it was cancer due to the ‘masses’ found in his body)
I would go into more detail but I feel they deserve their own posts, and if I write more now I’ll probably break down.